Author: mylifetwiceasnice

A wife, a mother to the most amazing family. My family.

I’ll let you into a little secret…

What I’m about to write about is extremely personal. Not just to me but to my husband too. It isn’t talked about enough, it isn’t acknowledged enough. It might even hit home with some of you who have been through similar things.

As you all know, in 2016 we got pregnant with our beautiful baby boys! They’re growing so much and so fast. Everyday we can see a massive difference in them. Whether its their speech, movements, gestures. They make us so proud every day and I can’t believe they are 17 months old already. To anyone who has just had, or is about to have a baby, enough it. Cherish every SINGLE moment. I feel like I’ve blinked and it’s gone from giving birth and having the worse time ever in hospital, to the boys almost walking, saying words and babbling.

So why could i be so low? Why am i struggling? I’ve always suffered from depression and have done since the age of about 13. It was a mix of a lot of things. I found out at an early age that I had Kidney Disease and I would most likely have to go through dialysis and a kidney transplant at some point in my life. That’s hard for anyone to take in, especially someone of such a young age. I had also just broken up with someone who i thought was the love of my life. At the time, he was. My first love and first heartbreak. (We don’t need to speak about him though, he wished for me to be raped said he hoped i died). Third and final blow was being bullied at school. I was bullied for years and years, to the point I left school and was home schooled a few months before my GCSE’s resulting in really shit grades!! I’d love to write some meaningful post to anyone who used to bully me, and say i forgive you but, I don’t. You’re all cunts and I hope you suck a bag of dicks.

Anyway, i digress. I’ve been on tablets for just over a year now. I know, I know I did really well to stay off them for so many years. It didn’t come without its hard times and I was back and forth to the doctors, counsellors and nothing seemed to work. It all got a bit too much when I was pregnant with the boys. My anxiety rocketed and I think that’s because our pregnancy was so fucking hard. We went week to week not knowing whether our babies were alive or not. Praying and hoping for a miracle to happen, seeing specialists every week. That’s enough to put people on edge right? Then the birth, I had pre eclampsia, I haemorraged, I had so many fucking things go wrong before, during and after birth. It was awful. Then after all of that and I thought it was all going to settle down, I was at home at 9 weeks post birth and I had to call an ambulance out. Turned out I was having an allergic reaction to one of the blood pressure medications they had given me. This ” funny turn” actually happened a week after the babies were born but no one picked up that it was the tablets, despite me telling them time and time again I didn’t think they agreed with me. So i was taken in with a BP of 167/128 and a RESTING pulse of 160pm.

I digress again haha (Sorry, i’m awful at going off track, ask anyone who knows me!).

So anyway, after giving birth to the most beautiful boys in the whole world, I thought my life was going to be better in the way of anxiety right? Wrong. I had two little people to now look after, two little people who depended on me to feed them, keep them warm and safe, clean and loved. It’s hard enough doing this with one baby let alone TWO. It got to the point where i knew i needed some help. The sensory group i started going to in Moreton did a support group and on a night out with my lovely mummy friends, i bumped into the lady who ran it. Unfortunately, when i asked to go along i was told it was invite only. A mother who was struggling and i was turned away. How? Why? What did i need to do to get some help? I didn’t want to keep going back and forth to the doctors all the time. I wanted to maybe meet some other mum’s who felt the way that i did so i didn’t feel so alone.. And failing that, feeling so fucking useless all the time!!

I spoke to my mum and I can remember her saying to me ” There is no shame in asking for help, Ami”. So with that, I booked an appointment to speak to my local GP. He started off by putting me on some anti anxiety medication. A few weeks later he put it up again to the middle dose and I, after a few weeks started feeling A LOT better.

Due to recent events of being accused of cheating on my husband (hahahaha), my anxiety got worse and i found i was having daily panic attacks.So back to the doctors I went and was put up to maximum on my tablets. It’s taken a little time to get use to them and for a little while they made me feel like i wasn’t really here. But they’re doing wonders and I feel on top of the world!! (Most of the time anyway).

The reason i was actually writing this was to explain why I have been so low recently (yes, there’s more going on than the above I’ve mentioned lol).
When you’re trying for a baby, it feels like time goes so slowly. We haven’t been trying anywhere near as long as some people have, but because of my kidneys we are against the clock. 10 months we have been trying for baby number 3 with no luck. I was having issues, pain and bleeding after sex which I knew wasn’t normal. (Back to the doctors… again. I live there i swear). I was sent to a gynecologist who did ultrasounds and bloods. Everything showed normal but she suspected i had PCOS. I went back to the doctors after talking about taking Clomid and we were then referred to another doctor at Cheltenham hospital. This referral took a bit of time. Mop had to go and have his spermies tested and I needed, more bloods to check my hormone levels. Months went by and we finally got our appointment.

At the appointment after investigations and internal ultrasounds, she told me she couldn’t see any evidence of PCOS. Ever since i gave birth to the boys, my cycles never came back properly. We tried and tried but when you’re trying and not ovulating, nothings going to happen!! So they don’t know whats wrong, they don’t know why my cycles haven’t come back properly. Bloods and tests are all normal. They even tested for early menopause!! Which, i’m happy to report that that’s not the case.

Our second appointment with Dr Reddy was a fab appointment. She gave use a prescription for Provera and Clomid. FINALLY!! We have started our first course of treatment with Clomid and at the moment are just waiting for my body to respond to it.. Hoping it works first round and we are pregnant for Christmas. What a present that would be.

Unless, you have been through or are going through something like this yourself you will never truly understand what its like to suffer with fertility. You go about wondering whats wrong and why your body wont work the way it should do. I read an article recently that a lady wrong. It was how no one talks about the negatives. No one does, its true. I can’t sit here and tell you how many tests I’ve peed on, deep down knowing they are negative, but a glimmer of hope in me that they will be positive.

So for now, that’s all… The Simmonds Family are trying for baby number 3 and have been for sometime.. It’s just this time we need a little helping hand!!

#AllWeWantForChristmasIsBabyNumber3

We can keep hoping 😉

A.xx

Our NICU stay

We knew when the boys were born we were looking at a stay in NICU. Our tiny 2lb 12 and 3lb 7 babies, they were doing so well. I had managed to get a bit of rest before being taken down to meet our babies. I was taken down in a wheelchair, catheter still in place, cannula in my hand, hospital gown on. I remember having to sit on what looked like and i think it probably was, the sheets you put in your child’s bed when they’re finally nappy free to stop piss falls and poonamis. As well as put a sanitary towel between my legs the length of route 66 for the PPL. Its quite funny, after you’ve given birth you honestly couldn’t give a shit what you look like, how you feel.. All you want to do is see and be with your baby/ies.

So there I am, being wheeled down to NICU to meet our babies. I’m taken into ICU and asked to wash my hands. I’m then taken over to two incubators. I remember looking at them, with two colourful blankets on the top to shield them from the lights and to let them relax. I went over to Reuben first. Chris parked me up and walked over to Jacob. I remember lifting the blanket off the top to see a tiny baby, absolutely smothered in wires and equipment. You couldn’t even see Reuben’s face because of his CPAP mask. I burst into tears. My babies, My beautiful, strong, tiny babies. Already such fighters. We spent about an hour or 2 with them then I started feeling a bit shitty so I was taken back up to the ward to get some rest. Chris stayed down with them.

We woke up the next morning and had some tea and toast, the hospitals finest breakfast selection. It wasn’t long after this that Dr Wagstaff, the boys consultant came in. He informed us in the night Jacob’s lung had collapsed. Because he was so premature his lungs weren’t able to produce the hormone surfactant to lubricate his lungs. They had to fit an emergency drain into his chest. As soon as we were told this I remember thinking he was going to die.. How could my tiny baby cope with this?!

I remember going down and seeing him covered in wires, as well as now, this massive drain coming out of his chest. He was so still. Dosed up on morphine for the pain, my poor little love. With how sad all of this was, we were able to hold Reuben for the first time this day and it was the most INCREDIBLE feeling. We did skin to skin immediately and I will never forget the feeling of this tiny being on my chest. I spoke to him, reassured him he will be okay and we wouldn’t let any harm come his way.

Every morning they would do the ward round at 9am. This is where all the nurses who are caring for the boys, the doctors and consultants come together to discuss the daily plan of care for the boys. They encouraged parents to be there too so they can be involved. The next morning we came down together, Chris and I. Jacob was yellowing and still. They picked up immediately that he had an infection and started antibiotics before the blood gasses had even come back!! When they did the gasses they found out that he in fact, had sepsis. Poor little Cobie, one thing after another.

 

 

Over the coming weeks the boys both suffered with sepsis. They also needed blue light therapy for jaundice. We got the wonderful news after our first 2 weeks their that the boys didn’t need their oxygen anymore! AMAZING!! At just 33 weeks, breathing independently. Our brave soldiers. Unfortunately, this wasn’t to be and i’m not going to lie when I say, I did think it was too good to be true (because like most things in life, it usually is!). Reuben’s SATS started to drop and he went back on oxygen.Everyday they were doing downloads to see what his intake was and every day for I think, about 5 days they upped his oxygen over and over again until they were happy he was getting the correct amount. Talk about 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

I am skipping out on quite a lot of this, not because I don’t want to talk about it, it’s more that those 4 weeks we were there were the longest of my life, and if i’m honest, I don’t actually remember everything. It was a blur. I spent 13 hours a day sat, alone in ICU with my two babies in incubators. Mop was at work, family and friends were at work. I cherished the moments we had people come to see us. I knew NICU was going to be hard work but I never for one second thought it was going to be THAT hard.

Jacob took a turn, but this was only seen when we were nearing home time. They did the car seat challenge with him (Putting a SATS monitor on him to make sure he can breathe properly in the car). and his SATS dipped down below 86. The decision was made to put him back on oxygen also. Catherine Carmichael, if anyone knows this woman, will appreciate what i’m about to say. One of the most kind, caring, compassionate people I think i have ever had the joy of knowing. She was out oxygen nurse. She was the lady who put all our fears to rest. She was nothing but positive about everything. She explained the routine of the oxygen at home and what we needed to do.

The day we came home was the most bittersweet moment. We didn’t tell a soul that we were coming home. When we got the boys and walked out those doors, I sobbed and sobbed. I thanked the nurses and Dr’s in NICU but it will still never be enough for what they have done for our boys. We owe them so much!! The babes were still so tiny at 4lb 3 and 5lb 13. Alas, we drove home, to our tiny flat at 15 Mill Court. When we got 10 minutes from home, Mop texted my brother, Scott and asked if he could come over in 30 minutes to help rearrange some of the furniture. Little did he know we would all be waiting at home. His face when he walked through the door and realized we were home was the best! I’ll never ever forget how hard he hugged me when he came in!
I held one of our babies (no, i can’t remember who!) in one arm, and a glass of bubbles in the other. Here we were. Home. Safe. A proper Family. My heart could burst at any moment, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so many emotions at one time, I was so overwhelmed.

I still hear the beeps of the machines…

A.xx

 

The Beginning

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I feel sorry for everyone of you that’s started reading this and if you decide to carry on, make sure you have a drink, some snacks and you’ve had that poo you’ve been holding out for. It’s going to be a long one.


The Beginning


Anyone who knows me will tell you how child orientated I have been since a very young age. I use to play with dollies, babies, the lot. I was always fascinated with birth and decided quite early on that I wanted to be a midwife. I met my (now husband) in 2012 at band practice. He plays bass and I sing. This band went on for about 2 years until it fizzled out, members going their on way in life.

We’ve been together 6 Years, Married for 1 (and a bit). and have 2 tiny humans.

Life hasn’t been the kindest to my family or I. At 13 years old I was diagnosed with Polycystic Kidney Disease. This is hereditary and i inherited it from my mum. Unfortunately, it means I will eventually need dialysis and a transplant. Chris is so supportive of me with this and has been brilliant from the start.

This means kids was a big thing. The sooner the better before my kidneys declined too much making me unable to conceive. We had “the talk” quite a few times but neither of us could agree.

 November 2016 we moved into our first place together, a tiny 2 bedroom flat in Shipston On Stour. For us, it was lovely. Just the right size, maybe even slightly cramped but it was home. Not long after I went to see my consultant as I do every year to discuss my blood results. The news wasn’t good. My kidneys has rapidly decreased in the year from 80% to 57% I was in stage 3A Kidney failure. Fuck. The panic that I go through every time this happens is horrible. The anixety builds every time without fail and I just feel sick to my stomach. We went home later that day and had the children chat again, as the consultant has scared the shit out of us regarding it. He told us it was probably best that was started to plan/try for a baby.

A few weeks had passed and we decided that we were going to start trying. We had only been in our home a month and we were trying for a tiny blob, half him, half me. Are we mad?! I thought about that often and came to the conclusion that we have been for rather a long while. The consultant arranged a repeat blood test in a months time to see where I was at. In the mean time, we tried to relax and take life for what it is, and have fun along the way of course. I remember waking up at 5:30am one morning and just feeling totally off, almost like I wanted to be sick. I was 10 days post ovulation by this point so I decided to do a test. 2 lines. 2 faint pink lines. SHIT. Can it be?! I mean, we’ve only been trying for 3 weeks?! Digital. I needed to take a digital. There I am flailing around in the bathroom trying not to wake Chris up, but trying to see if my eyes are just playing tricks on me. The little cup of piss I had, now all over the floor. CRAP!! Sitting on the loo with this stupid cup under my flange trying to desperately squeeze out another bit of wee to do a digital. Luckily i manage it. The test was done – “Pregnant 1-2”. Oh, my god. I could hardly believe my eyes! I went and jumped on Chris woke him up and we had the biggest cuddle. Although I was slightly pissed off it was Christmas day in 5 days and I could now, no longer have a drink or eat Pate!

A few weeks on and I started feeling really nauseous. and at 6 weeks I had a small bleed, accompanied by some horrendous pain on the left side of my lower abdomen. My midwife was concerned we were having an ectopic pregnancy, where the egg attaches to the lining of the fallopian tube. She scheduled an emergency scan for a few days later. The night before our scan i was frightened. Crippled with anxiety that something could be wrong. We joked with family on facebook that night about it being twins. ” How hilarious would it be if it was twins?” i said. Famous last words….

We went to Gloucester Royal the next morning and sat down waiting. All these women waiting, some excited, and some looking with a fear in their eyes. Probably the same look I was giving. It was our turn, I was BURSTING for a piss but never the less we went into the scan room. She put the jelly on my stomach and started the ultrasound. We saw a tiny sack on the screen and a little flicker ” Oh my gosh, is that the baby?” I asked. Silence. Pure, dreaded silence. The sonographer didn’t say a word. My heart started racing and I thought that was that. I looked over at Chris for reassurance but he was fixated on the screen, squinting. After what felt like 20 millions years she finally spoke. ” Okay, so we actually have 2 heart beats here”. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! No?? Twins?! TWO BABIES. She explained they were in the same sack, identical and we would be referred to a consultant as it would be a high risk pregnancy. We called our families who already knew about the pregnancy and told them.. Needless to say they were speechless, as were we. Chris and I had just over an hours journey home. To which, most of the way, we sat in silence. Total SHOCK. How the fuck are we going to cope with 2 tiny humans?!

Fast forward to 16 weeks. We found out we were having two beautiful boys. We couldn’t wait!! This appointment ran over. Something wasn’t right. The consultant sat us down and told us there was a discordance with their weights and their amniotic fluids were boarderline TTTS (Twin to twin transfusion syndrome). She explained them both to us and said we are possibly looking at termination of one or both babies. Selective reduction they call it. To terminate one baby to give the other one a fighting chance. No way. How could this be happening? She referred us to MFM in Bristol the following week for growth and fluid checks. Everything was still stable the week after in Bristol but they wanted to see us a week later. We went back and forth to Bristol for 5 weeks every week to make sure the boys were okay. We were finally diagnosed with SIUGR. Reuben, our tiny boy wasn’t growing properly due to the placement of his cord to the placenta. I won’t bore you with all the information but we went on every 2 weeks waiting for scans, not knowing if he was going to still be with us or not.

We did expectant management and got to 28 weeks, everything was looking good. Boys still with a discordance of 28% but stable none the less. That’s when it started going tits up. My blood pressure started to go through the roof with readings of 170/110. I was in and out of hospital for 2 weeks. I kept asking for my consultant to be informed but she wasn’t. Finally one of the doctors made an appointment for me to see her the next day in clinic and discharged me the next day. Baring in mind I was now 31+2. I went home and had a sleep. I woke up the next morning and felt absolutely horrific. my blood pressure again sky high. I kept telling myself it was only a few hours to go before I saw my doctor. My face swollen, my eyes puffy and sore, my feet like balloons. Every time I took a step, I could feel the fluid in the tops of my feet swish around.

Chris came out of work early, came and got me from home and we put everything in the car. I don’t know what told me that day, but I knew I needed my hospital bag. I packed everything into car along with my notes and off we went to Cheltenham. Our doctor was running a little late so we waited about an hour. My friend Sophie was there with her partner Nick. We sat and chatted for a while and I told her I thought this was it for us and she was going to admit us. I can remember Sophie saying they couldn’t possibly let me carry on the way I was going with my kidneys and my blood pressure being so high?

We got called in, my BP was 166/107. There was slight protein in my urine. Pre-eclampsia. Ohhh boy, i’d been waiting for this bastard to pop up!! Being a twin pregnancy and having kidney issues, I was at a much heightened risk of developing it. And fuck did I know about it. I felt like I had been hit by a bus and done 50 rounds with Mike Tyson. It also didn’t help I was boardering anemia. The consultant walked in and sat down. We chatted for a little while before she said ” Amber, it’s been 2 weeks and we haven’t been able to get your blood pressure under control. I think its time we deliver you. It’s got to the point now where the babies are going to be safer out than they are in”. We nodded and agreed that it was best, thinking she was going to schedule us in for the week after. ” So, how about tomorrow?”. Tomorrow…? TOMORROW?! You mean to tell me you’re going to make me a mummy TOMORROW!? Holy Shit. I was NOT ready. Well, I mean I was with the bags and stuff but part of me didn’t believe we would actually be delivering. “You’ll leave here and go straight to Gloucester Royal where you’ll be admitted. You won’t be going home. I’m scheduling you in for a CAT 3 Emergency section tomorrow morning”. Talk about shit myself.. I had always wanted to go natural with the boys. A section was my worst fear and it was happening.

So, I averaged about 2 hours sleep all night that. Chris had gone home and come back for 8am. I had a bath and got myself prepared, rubbing my bump and taking last videos of them moving and kicking.

Midday came and it was time. I was taken down the theatre and Chris changed into his sexy scrubs ( I asked him to knick them but he wouldn’t). They put the cannula in and were just about to do my spinal when they had a CAT 1 emergency come through. That means they need to get mum in, anesthetized and delivered in 30 minutes!!! So, back we went to our room and waited. Time felt like it went so fast, which is weird because its usually the other way round. 13:30. Time to go. I’ve never been more scared in my life than that moment. I was going to be a mummy. I was worried about my babies being so premature. So many thoughts go through your head.

They laid me down on the bed after administering the spinal, which may I add is a piece of piss and you can’t feel a thing. Within 30 seconds I couldn’t feel or move my legs. They even ran an ice cube from my toe to my breast to make sure and I didn’t feel a thing. The next thing i know, i hear a razor and someone saying “Amber we are just going to give you a quick trim”. Oh for fuck sake? I know they see it all the time but I’ve never felt so embarrassed in my life! 13:46. Iwas informed they had started and made the first incision. Ahh fuck. I mean, no one wants to know that, surely!? I all of a sudden felt alot of pulling and pressure on my stomach. They had Jacob’s head but he got a bit stuck. 13:53 our beautiful baby boy Jacob was born, screaming. He was shown quickly to me before being whisked away to be seen too. Within a minute at 13:54 his little brother followed suit, screaming. Once again he was shown to me before being taken away. Within 5 minutes of their birth, they were strapped up to oxygen and taken down to NICU.

Little did I know that was the last time I was going to see them for 34 HOURS!!! I was stitched up after the placenta was delivered and taken to HDU to be monitored. My BP now SOARING at 180/110. About 3 hours after surgery i started to hemorrhage. I was soaking pads every 20 minutes with my post partum loss. I was put on a 4 hour hormone drip which seemed to do the trick. After endless pain relief and nothing to eat for almost 18 hours, I was sick. and I can tell you now, being sick after major surgery is the single most painful thing that’s ever happened to me. Unfortunately, after the hemorrhage, my anxiety went through the ROOF!!! I hardly slept but I was so exhausted.

When I was finally allowed to go to the ward, they put me on a ward with other ladies who had just had their babies. I burst into tears as I still hadn’t even had the chance to see mine. When they realized their error, they put my husband and I in a side room. But it was still a good while before we both went down to see the boys. I was so tired and so sore. My HB was only 83, not far off needing a blood transfusion and my blood pressure was still sky high.

So there we are… The first part of our journey. Stressful, scary and more emotions than you can bare to even process.. Next time i’ll be discussing the boys hospital stay and what we tackled whilst in NICU.

A

xx