We knew when the boys were born we were looking at a stay in NICU. Our tiny 2lb 12 and 3lb 7 babies, they were doing so well. I had managed to get a bit of rest before being taken down to meet our babies. I was taken down in a wheelchair, catheter still in place, cannula in my hand, hospital gown on. I remember having to sit on what looked like and i think it probably was, the sheets you put in your child’s bed when they’re finally nappy free to stop piss falls and poonamis. As well as put a sanitary towel between my legs the length of route 66 for the PPL. Its quite funny, after you’ve given birth you honestly couldn’t give a shit what you look like, how you feel.. All you want to do is see and be with your baby/ies.
So there I am, being wheeled down to NICU to meet our babies. I’m taken into ICU and asked to wash my hands. I’m then taken over to two incubators. I remember looking at them, with two colourful blankets on the top to shield them from the lights and to let them relax. I went over to Reuben first. Chris parked me up and walked over to Jacob. I remember lifting the blanket off the top to see a tiny baby, absolutely smothered in wires and equipment. You couldn’t even see Reuben’s face because of his CPAP mask. I burst into tears. My babies, My beautiful, strong, tiny babies. Already such fighters. We spent about an hour or 2 with them then I started feeling a bit shitty so I was taken back up to the ward to get some rest. Chris stayed down with them.
We woke up the next morning and had some tea and toast, the hospitals finest breakfast selection. It wasn’t long after this that Dr Wagstaff, the boys consultant came in. He informed us in the night Jacob’s lung had collapsed. Because he was so premature his lungs weren’t able to produce the hormone surfactant to lubricate his lungs. They had to fit an emergency drain into his chest. As soon as we were told this I remember thinking he was going to die.. How could my tiny baby cope with this?!
I remember going down and seeing him covered in wires, as well as now, this massive drain coming out of his chest. He was so still. Dosed up on morphine for the pain, my poor little love. With how sad all of this was, we were able to hold Reuben for the first time this day and it was the most INCREDIBLE feeling. We did skin to skin immediately and I will never forget the feeling of this tiny being on my chest. I spoke to him, reassured him he will be okay and we wouldn’t let any harm come his way.
Every morning they would do the ward round at 9am. This is where all the nurses who are caring for the boys, the doctors and consultants come together to discuss the daily plan of care for the boys. They encouraged parents to be there too so they can be involved. The next morning we came down together, Chris and I. Jacob was yellowing and still. They picked up immediately that he had an infection and started antibiotics before the blood gasses had even come back!! When they did the gasses they found out that he in fact, had sepsis. Poor little Cobie, one thing after another.
Over the coming weeks the boys both suffered with sepsis. They also needed blue light therapy for jaundice. We got the wonderful news after our first 2 weeks their that the boys didn’t need their oxygen anymore! AMAZING!! At just 33 weeks, breathing independently. Our brave soldiers. Unfortunately, this wasn’t to be and i’m not going to lie when I say, I did think it was too good to be true (because like most things in life, it usually is!). Reuben’s SATS started to drop and he went back on oxygen.Everyday they were doing downloads to see what his intake was and every day for I think, about 5 days they upped his oxygen over and over again until they were happy he was getting the correct amount. Talk about 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
I am skipping out on quite a lot of this, not because I don’t want to talk about it, it’s more that those 4 weeks we were there were the longest of my life, and if i’m honest, I don’t actually remember everything. It was a blur. I spent 13 hours a day sat, alone in ICU with my two babies in incubators. Mop was at work, family and friends were at work. I cherished the moments we had people come to see us. I knew NICU was going to be hard work but I never for one second thought it was going to be THAT hard.
Jacob took a turn, but this was only seen when we were nearing home time. They did the car seat challenge with him (Putting a SATS monitor on him to make sure he can breathe properly in the car). and his SATS dipped down below 86. The decision was made to put him back on oxygen also. Catherine Carmichael, if anyone knows this woman, will appreciate what i’m about to say. One of the most kind, caring, compassionate people I think i have ever had the joy of knowing. She was out oxygen nurse. She was the lady who put all our fears to rest. She was nothing but positive about everything. She explained the routine of the oxygen at home and what we needed to do.
The day we came home was the most bittersweet moment. We didn’t tell a soul that we were coming home. When we got the boys and walked out those doors, I sobbed and sobbed. I thanked the nurses and Dr’s in NICU but it will still never be enough for what they have done for our boys. We owe them so much!! The babes were still so tiny at 4lb 3 and 5lb 13. Alas, we drove home, to our tiny flat at 15 Mill Court. When we got 10 minutes from home, Mop texted my brother, Scott and asked if he could come over in 30 minutes to help rearrange some of the furniture. Little did he know we would all be waiting at home. His face when he walked through the door and realized we were home was the best! I’ll never ever forget how hard he hugged me when he came in!
I held one of our babies (no, i can’t remember who!) in one arm, and a glass of bubbles in the other. Here we were. Home. Safe. A proper Family. My heart could burst at any moment, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so many emotions at one time, I was so overwhelmed.
I still hear the beeps of the machines…
A.xx
My Life - Twice as nice 